...a storm in the desert

My pain, it flickers, like a candle deep inside of a luminara on the verge of being blown out by the Albuquerque winds

Tonight, though, it feels as though the flame is so close to engulfing its paper surroundings. 

He whispers ever so gently. 

But my guilt attempts to engulf my mind like the May rain flooding the arroyos on the west side. 

I feel so weak when I'm suddenly surrounded by rushing thoughts like the murky water raging through the canals. 

He opens His hands. 

But my heart drops as pieces of my painful past come flashing into my mind - reminiscent of lightening striking in the sky above the mesa. The thunder rolls - so deep and loud - I can feel it vibrate in my chest. 

The echo causes me to jolt and my eyelids lift...

All of a sudden like a rainbow embellishing a gray smeared stormy sky - I feel His love grip my heart and cause my eyes to shift from my wounds and onto His truths.

How did my wounds became my focus - Why did my throbbing brokenness move me more than knowing that He has moved mountains for me.

My King knows my pain and He catches my tears. He knows the thoughts that attempt to taunt me -and knows of the chill that comes when the sun sets in this desert of mine. I am not alone in this sandy land.

Tonight, I am not engulfed by lies racing through my mind. 

No, tonight, I am revived by the Son who has risen in the middle of my desert storm. 

New Mexican luminarias

Lightening striking on the west mesa

A flooded arroyo

This blog comes from a real place inside of me. I know I often share of the Lord's joy being full in my life, and I am so sincere when I speak of such things. Truly, His joy is somehow nestled beside such deep wounds that still reside in me. I wanted to share of how deep my hurt goes and how sometimes I allow that hurt to drown out His loving attempts to comfort me. I know that there are people who can relate to moments like these and I would love for my hurt to somehow make you feel less isolated in those seasons where your heart feels so heavy and your mind feels smoggy. I can't say that I struggle with depression right now, but I know what that struggle feels like. If anyone needs prayer for just having the blues or for full on depression please feel free to email me for prayer at flynigh@gmail.com. 

You are not alone in those moments where it might feel like your heart could cave in and your thoughts won't stop racing. Your Maker is extending His hope to you - He loves you and He has not abandoned you. His love is brighter than your darkest hour - His strength is stronger than any burden that is weighing you down. Lift up your eyes. Your wounds may be deep, but try to set your gaze on the wounds He endured simply because He loves you. 

note: I was inspired to use descriptions native to New Mexico - I posted the pictures (that I did not take) to help people envision what I wrote.

I Might Be Rejected By Some, but Still I Am Accepted by the One

It's been longer than I anticipated it would be since the last time I wrote in here. I suppose that it's a good thing - I don't just want to become a robotic writer too anxious to be heard. Rather, I want to write from the deepest parts of me - the parts that my Maker tugs on and sharpens as my fingers run across the keyboard. 


Since my last blog, it seems the Lord has clarified my perspective on some things. I was humbled and shocked at how skewed my perception was when He caused me to glance back to a broken season in my past. Unfortunately, I do not have the liberties to share with you what those matters are (*yet). But, I can at least share with you what I am learning so far.


We live in a world where human acceptance is rated so high in most people's minds and sometimes that frame of mind is what leads our lives. Rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with and it can cause us to lose ourselves in our attempts to please those around us. More importantly, those vein attempts can cause us to begin to lose sight of who we are in Him. 


The line must be drawn. The idea of  simply "going with the flow" because one might lack the boldness/ the confidence/ the will to speak what's truly on their heart is so sad. I will not willingly go mute simply because I know that I will have to stare opposition right in the face. The longing to be accepted, wanted, and approved of cannot be given the freedom to distort who my Creator created me to be or what He wants me to do with this life.


So, that's where I am at. I have a task before me that I know people, close people, in my life will not agree with. Hurt will be stirred and anger will likely be pointed in my direction. The ties of a friendship that I hold dear might be torn. I have to confront a part of my past that I'd rather just let sit and continue to collect dust. But, I cannot allow myself to focus on who might not approve when the only approval I need is from the One who is leading me. As much as my heart is already anticipating the possibility losing the acceptance of someone I love - I have to stay committed to the One who accepted me first. His love for me is unwavering. 


There will be - WILL BE - moments in our lives where we are called to do things beyond the limits of the approval of some of the humans among us. That's okay. Its okay if not everyone around us understands what it is the Lord has called us to do. We have to be willing to know what it feels like to be rejected  by man; to have our ideas and pursuits scorned. 


I am here to please Him even if that means that I am misunderstood or even rejected by some. Standing confident in the middle of a scary and uncertain season is possible when we are able to rest and trust in Him as our Navigator. I won't allow what the Lord has made black and white to me turn to gray. It is clear to me what He wants me to do and it would be a shame for me to reject that simply to gain anything that this world offers me. 


If anyone needs prayer feel free to email me : flynigh@gmail.com

If Given a Chance Petals Will Come

We went to the local nursery to buy the seeds this year. Once we got home, the thought of seeing those bright vibrant sunflowers made it impossible to wait another second to open the organic soil and start planting! We chose one of our favorite pots to plant the seeds in. After pouring the soil we dug a nice deep hole - making sure to give the seeds plenty of room to take root.

We opened the package carrying the seeds, gently placed them in the hole, and covered them with the dark soil. Now, we just had to wait and water. Water and wait. Even though we didn't see any sign of life, we knew deep within that rich soil the seeds were cracking and roots were growing, stretching, reaching into the soil for nourishment.

It wasn't too long, though,  before we saw tiny green specks against the nearly black soil. Oh, the excitement of seeing those almost microscopic green sprouts! I got my watering tin, with even more spunk in my step that morning, looking forward to showering the cluster of tiny greenness. Even though they were so itty-bitty, I could see them perk up when the water and sun reached them. 

Soon, the specks of green grew into tall sturdy stems. By now, though I still couldn't see them, the roots must be woven within the soil almost becoming one inside the deepness of the pot. The little buds finally arrived. Now when I look closely, I could see the petals all curled up and nestled snugly inside the buds - waiting to stretch out their petals. I could hardly wait,  but I had to be patient. So, once again I almost danced to my watering tin and showered my precious little sunflower garden growing in my favorite pot. 

It was about two days later when I caught a glimpse of them - the petals that pushed their way out of the buds and stretched out towards the warm sunlight. Some of the petals where simply perfect and they practically shimmered in the sunlight while some lacked in "perfection" and their petals were nearly brown and broken. But though they lacked in radiance they enjoyed the sunlight and the cool water no less. 

Every morning those rusty orange, vibrant yellow, and even the brown broken petals attached to what used to be a bud, that was attached to strong thick stem, that used to be a tiny green speck would turn to face the direction of the sun rays each morning and perk up when showered by the water from my little watering tin. 

I was inspired to take these pictures of the same sunflower through out different stages of its growth. I found that there was so much beauty and life in each picture. The whole process made me think about abortion and I called the project "If Given a Chance". What if I decided to not see value or life when all I saw was just the stem with a tiny- tightly- closed bud, and just chopped it down allowing the bud fall to the ground? But, that seems a bit unlikely. Sometimes I think humans give more pride and value to their precious gardens than to babies inside of wombs.

If anyone needs prayer always feel free to email me at Flynight@gmail.com. I hope you have a beautiful day blessed by the light of the Son. 

The Right to Rid Life of a Heartbeat

I know the issue of abortion is such a sensitive, heated, and (in ways) complex topic. I, in no way, wish to hurt anyone that has gone through with an abortion. And I, in no way, want to pretend I know exactly what they have been through that has pushed them to the point of even considering abortion. I truly just want to show love as I wander through this heartbreaking topic, but I have my valuable questions to ask today. These questions aren't necessarily "new", by any means, but why should we ever stop asking questions that have good, valid, powerful points concerning the rights of those who can't yet speak for themselves?

So often it is said that life has not truly started until the baby is outside of the womb (and even that is now "up in the air"). That perplexes my mind more than those moments in my life where I have stood in the night and stared into the sky wondering how many stars were above me. I simply don't understand how the question of life could exist at any point during a pregnancy. Much less, when a baby has limbs that are able to move and kick, a head that is able to turn along with eyes, and a heartbeat that is rapidly beating can be mistaken for anything other than life. 

Yes, I understand that in some cases the doctors have been able to pinpoint "flaws" within the brain of the baby or even lack of a limb (whatever the case may be). My heart truly, truly goes out to situations like that. But, my question is this - do those "flaws" somehow have the power to undo what already exists and, ultimately, give us the right to make a baby void of existence by stopping his/her heartbeat? 

To me, it is so incredibly difficult to grasp how a woman has the liberty to have an abortion and the baby is conveniently labeled "it" by the doctors. Yet, if that same women got into a minor car accident on her way to have the abortion and the impact of the accident caused her to go into preterm labor, the ambulance would take her straight to the hospital. All the doctors, nurses, and staff would be prepared to try to save that baby's life. All of a sudden terms and titles change. All of a sudden the baby is actually a baby. Could the mom actually say, "Oh, no! Don't save it! I wanted to abort it!" The lines have become so blurred and we are left with a smeared gray line that has become spotted with blood.

How is it that in so many states someone can be charged with a "double-homicide" if they murder a woman who was pregnant? What if that very woman wanted to have an abortion and already had a date set? Just because she wants to have an abortion the baby is once again void of life, but if someone else on a different date takes the life of that baby it's murder. Why have humans given humans this right to decide whether or not a heartbeat is valuable and constitutes life?  

Excuse me, I have to end this blog earlier than expected because I need to tend to my three year old son-  yep, the same son the doctors encouraged me to abort. It's difficult for me to even fathom that I was given the opportunity and the right to allow someone to rid my son of his heartbeat. It sickens me - even if I'm the one being given the right. Even if I'm the one they're trying to save. Save my life at the expense of my baby's life? How is that even an option? If a mother and her baby were in a burning building, just hours after giving birth, and the fire fighter reached out his arms to pick up the baby first, would any mom say, "Oh, no... save ME!", as she sacrificed her baby's life to save her own? It doesn't sound the same in that context does it? Why not? 

To me, it was the same and I couldn't go through with any "procedure" simply to, possibly, save my own life. My son was ALIVE in my womb, possibly even hearing whispers, through the layers of skin and water, that separated him from the outside world--- whispers of medical professionals encouraging me to "terminate" my pregnancy. Oh, that skin and water that separates us from them... can't we just pretend it's not there? Can we not realize that they have their own body, heart beat, brain, purposes -  each separate from their mom who is simply carrying them.... and, hopefully, caring for them.

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If anyone wants prayer concerning this or any other issue, please feel free to email me (flynigh@gmail.com). Even if you have had an abortion - you are so loved and this blog isn't meant to make you feel any different.

On a Day Like This

I know that their words were well intentioned. But, I was offended. I understand that they wanted what they considered to be their truth to be applicable to me. But, it wasn't. You see, for the past 5+ years I have been pretty ill - really ill at times. And, I have heard some really thoughtful and encouraging things, but I have also heard (what I consider) to be ridiculous things about my health. 

Some people, over the years, have told me that I am still sick because of my lack of faith in the Lord. Apparently I need to ask, more sincerely, for the Lord to heal me. Whenever I am told something, whether I am offended or even angered for a moment, I seriously take time to analyze myself and I take what they say to the Lord. (I do that because I believe that it is doesn't matter if I'm offended, if something is Biblical, I need to address it) After doing that, I came to the conclusion that "lack of faith" is not the issue. You see, I may not beg God to heal me every hour of my life, but I trust completely with all that I am, that He can heal me at any moment. The thing is - I also trust in His sovereignty. His ability to do what He wants, when He wants, how He wants, with whom He wants. He could more than just heal me at any given moment - I truly believe that. If He doesn't today or ever while I am on this Earth - I am okay with that. I know He has a purpose. I KNOW HE DOES! 

On another hand, I have been told that it must be because I am involved in some sort of awful sin and my illnesses are a result of that. Um, no. Not so, my friends, not so. I believe that sin has consequences - absolutely. Of course, some illnesses are a direct result of not handling our bodies correctly and perhaps engaging in things we shouldn't. I do not believe that my two blood clotting disorders and progressive auto immune illnesses (among other things) are a result of the sin in my life (Yes, I do have sin in my life). I also don't believe that I am under the grip of satan and in bondage of sickness. 

On the contrary, I believe that me being sick is my ministry. I have been given so many opportunities to share the Lord's love, faithfulness, hope - Jesus' story with so many people at the hospital, clinics, cancer center etc. So many cancer patients sit alone with no family and no hope as they are waiting to get their third dose of chemo that week. I had the honor and privilege of sitting next to them and keeping them company, listening to them, and sharing with them the Hope that is so alive within me. Sure, the Lord could have just spoken to my heart to start a hospital ministry, but I may not have been welcome had I not been a patient. But they can't close the doors on me when I just happen to be having a "conversation" with a fellow patient. There is purpose for my illnesses - there is! Doctors often comment or even inquire about my disposition at various scary moments in my life (while in the hospital) and there is no other reason then the fact that I am able to rest in the Creator of all things.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a very high energy, do many things at once - fill my plate kind of person. And, in many ways those qualities have been positive things in my life. But I have come to realize that I was getting in the way of what was most important.  I can see how the Lord has also allowed me to be  ill so that He can begin to teach me what it really means to "be still and trust that He is God." I was blinded by "needs" and "ministry" and quite frankly I just needed to chill out. I mean, would I choose the route of experiencing so much pain everyday to teach me these things? Probably not. But He did and I am thankful. 

I have had moments, as I have expressed in previous blogs, where I truly was not sure if I would make it through the night. But, the Lord in His goodness, used those horrible moments to change me and break my heart for His people in ways I never even knew of before. He has used my pain to remind me to pray more for others in desperation and agony. My pain is a constant reminder of others out there that endure so much more than I do and have nothing - not even the hope of knowing their greatest Hope. How dare I try to label my pain as anything other than joy at moments like this where I finally remember those that I have so easily forgotten in days past. 

John 9:1-5

The Creator of all things - He loves me. My illnesses don't change that; nothing does. The Creator of all things - He love you. _________ doesn't change that; nothing does. If you need prayer feel free to email me (Flynigh@gmail.com).

Nebraska? Yes, Nebraska.

I honestly never even thought about the state called "Nebraska" until that year; 2001. I moved there in late summer 2002 after meeting one of the Miller boys. At the time, I didn't think New Mexico had much to offer me and I didn't have much to offer NM. I had just become a Christian and I so badly wanted my life to change. I knew that me trying my life on my own just wasn't working anymore. Not only was it not working - but I was failing at life. I turned to God as my Navigator, and He was leading me to Cornhusker Land. I had no qualms about following.


Almost as soon as I arrived in South Sioux City we were on our way to church (youth group "24/7".) Oh, boy was that conservative Assemblies of God church in for a shock when I walked through their door. Yep, I was the one who decided to cut her hair to her chin, chop bangs, and die it penny red (which quickly evolved into penny orange). I had hot pink fishnet stockings on with clunky red mary jane's, jeans folded really high at the ankle, an MXPX shirt with a hot pink striped button-up underneath, oh and a couple of ribbons tied snugly around my neck. Not to mention, I was hand in hand with one of the most conservatively dressed guys in the church! 


I could tell that no one knew what to think, much less, what to say to me. So, I just began introducing myself and one kid actually told me that he liked my stockings. For some reason, the awkwardness was short lived. I began to connect with the youth in ways I never expected. At first I was hesitant, because I didn't know what the church would think of me once they heard about my past. I feared what parents would think of someone like me trying to hang out with their kids. Man, I felt so insecure and felt like I didn't belong. And, yet that's exactly where I belonged - that's where my life would be changed forever and where I would gain a family. 


I decided to just be open about who I was as questions would come up. I had nothing to hide - the Lord already knew everything about me and loved me the same. I was forgiven for all the muck in my past and now it was time for me to just be okay with the Lord using it as He saw fit. 


Even at this very moment, eight years later, I am moved by all that the Lord did in the short two years I was in NE. I am amazed at the way He connected the most unlikely people to my heart forever. I am in awe that He used the most humiliating parts of my past to help the youth. And, through that, freed me in ways I never knew were possible. He taught me so very much while I was there and most of all He rooted me in Him. He used the people in that little ol' church to change me and to love me. I could literally go on and on about my two years that seemed like a lifetime while I was in Nebraska - it was a season of my life I wish truly cherish forever. A season that is so apart of who I am today. 






The Lord knows where He wants us and when He wants us there. Sometimes, it's the most unlikely place and the most inconvenient time. But, it's true - that He knows what is best for us. Learning to trust that can be so difficult. But, Who knew, that Nebraska was what was best for me? He did.
Anyone need prayer? Email me! :)

Sweet Things My Sweet Boy Says...

As I have mentioned before, I want to write Children's books. I have always had the desire. But, I never knew how much having children would just strengthen that desire! Man, the Lord uses my kids to inspire me with book ideas all the time. Below you'll see some of the silly, fun, loving, and smart things Evod has said. (Avnielle obviously inspires me too, but her talking is still limited---but she's getting there!)


"Mama, the garbage truck is too stinky for you - it's too stinky."

"Mama has a butt too!"

When Evod was just learning how to go to the restroom in the big boy toilet, one day he looked down and said, "Seahorse poopoo, Mama! Seahorse!" Then he passed gas and said, "Noisy seahorse." 
(When it came time to flush--- I noticed that it did, in fact, look like a seahorse. I know this one's kinda gross, but I'm a mama!)

"That Harley motorcycle is going East, Mama." (It really was)

"That's a compost, Mama" (compost?)

"That's a smart motorcycle man. He has his helmet on, yeah. He's a safe rider, Mama, yeah?"

"Can Jesus tickle my back, Mama?"

"That's a hexagon, Mama. A Hexagon, yeah." (He was right and I was amazed.)

We were going to cross the street when I noticed a vehicle so I asked Evod, "Do you see any cars coming?" 
He said, "no." I asked, "You don't? You sure?"  He said, "Yeah. I see a truck."  (He wasn't trying to be a smarty pants)

"Avnielle, you can't push the Spider Man table, nope. You can puuuush, the dump truck. You can puuuush the fire truck. You can puuuush the race car. Okay?"

"Avnielle is beautiful, yeah."

"Mama, did you hear the siren? We gotta pray, yeah?" (We have the habit of praying when we hear the siren of rescue vehicles)

"Avnielle, do you want to take a bath? And, I'll wash your hair, your ears, your shoulders, your cheeks, and your...." (the list was long)

I put Evod's hat on and he said, "Umm. I need to see, Mama" I looked and his winter hat was backwards and covering his eyes and nose. 

"Jesus, please help mama to feel better. Amen"

"Mama, are gonna read Psalm 16, yeah?"