Weakened When We believe Lies About Our Weakness, Strengthened When We Believe He Is Strong

Conflicted - like a sunflower freckled by sand in the harsh New Mexico winds. From afar, the petals look radiant and flawless, but as you go in for a closer look you see they are peppered with blemishes from the sandstorm. The thought of being a mom would fill my heart with joyful anticipation. But, ever so swiftly fear would creep up and the scars from the sandstorm would try to whisper doubt. 

I was told I wasn't able to have children early on in my life. So, I thought that the true desires of my heart were swept aside and replaced with the logic of, "Well, I wouldn't be able to be the mom a child needs. This is what's best." I refused to be an instrument to inflict the things that I had endured, but at the same time believed the lies; those horrible things were a part of who I was and the cycle of "learned behaviors" is almost impossible to overcome. 

When I first married Eric, carrying on as normal newlyweds do was tough for me, but the Lord made a way. He taught us the sweetness and importance of being intimate spiritually and with our thoughts. He taught Eric and I the utter importance of being raw with one another. And, thankfully, I am able to tell Eric my darkest most humiliating thoughts. I think that transparency is a must in our marriage and I cherish it. The moments of awkwardness and vulnerability that are short lived is so worth knowing that the Lord has given Eric a love for me that is true and long suffering. Being honest gives Eric the opportunity, as my husband, to protect me from lies. Being raw protects our love. Being transparent strengthens our marriage. My, my, my how the enemy hates such things! he wants us to keep our lips closed while our thoughts and his lies are encaged in our minds - allowing confusion and division to take root in our marriage. 

It was tempting to not tell Eric the fears I had about being a mom (I was embarrassed), but the Lord kept urging me to. I'm so glad He did! I cried and cried that night because I felt so shameful, but Eric just affirmed his love for me and pointed me towards the Word. We were planning on someday adopting, it meant a lot to me that Eric was confident in Who the Lord was in me. I wasn't yet (in that area).

Five months later, we were standing in front of 3 pregnancy tests in a row that all were saying I was pregnant. Oh, I was filled with such excitement and joy! I knew the Lord could make this happen, I just never knew if He wanted to. But He did - He chose for me to be a mom! I was so quickly put in a position, where I had to (moment by moment) surrender the lies and fears I had associated with me being a mama. I had to allow the Lord to replace such ugly lies with His truth; I had to purpose to take my thoughts captive. 

I quickly turned to the Lord to be my Teacher. I was desperate for Him to teach me how to be a mom. I was able to find rest as I trusted the Lord to help me. My son is 3 now and my daughter will be 2 in January and I want more! Oh, how I love love love being a mama!! 

For so long it was too easy for me to focus on my fears and my weaknesses rather than the Lord's truth about me and His plans for me. My focus was so self-centered; who I am not instead Who He is. 

" ... the Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." 
- Psalm 145: 13-19

Jesus spoke these encouraging words in the following scriptures

. Matthew 11:29 . 

. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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