If Given a Chance Petals Will Come

We went to the local nursery to buy the seeds this year. Once we got home, the thought of seeing those bright vibrant sunflowers made it impossible to wait another second to open the organic soil and start planting! We chose one of our favorite pots to plant the seeds in. After pouring the soil we dug a nice deep hole - making sure to give the seeds plenty of room to take root.

We opened the package carrying the seeds, gently placed them in the hole, and covered them with the dark soil. Now, we just had to wait and water. Water and wait. Even though we didn't see any sign of life, we knew deep within that rich soil the seeds were cracking and roots were growing, stretching, reaching into the soil for nourishment.

It wasn't too long, though,  before we saw tiny green specks against the nearly black soil. Oh, the excitement of seeing those almost microscopic green sprouts! I got my watering tin, with even more spunk in my step that morning, looking forward to showering the cluster of tiny greenness. Even though they were so itty-bitty, I could see them perk up when the water and sun reached them. 

Soon, the specks of green grew into tall sturdy stems. By now, though I still couldn't see them, the roots must be woven within the soil almost becoming one inside the deepness of the pot. The little buds finally arrived. Now when I look closely, I could see the petals all curled up and nestled snugly inside the buds - waiting to stretch out their petals. I could hardly wait,  but I had to be patient. So, once again I almost danced to my watering tin and showered my precious little sunflower garden growing in my favorite pot. 

It was about two days later when I caught a glimpse of them - the petals that pushed their way out of the buds and stretched out towards the warm sunlight. Some of the petals where simply perfect and they practically shimmered in the sunlight while some lacked in "perfection" and their petals were nearly brown and broken. But though they lacked in radiance they enjoyed the sunlight and the cool water no less. 

Every morning those rusty orange, vibrant yellow, and even the brown broken petals attached to what used to be a bud, that was attached to strong thick stem, that used to be a tiny green speck would turn to face the direction of the sun rays each morning and perk up when showered by the water from my little watering tin. 

I was inspired to take these pictures of the same sunflower through out different stages of its growth. I found that there was so much beauty and life in each picture. The whole process made me think about abortion and I called the project "If Given a Chance". What if I decided to not see value or life when all I saw was just the stem with a tiny- tightly- closed bud, and just chopped it down allowing the bud fall to the ground? But, that seems a bit unlikely. Sometimes I think humans give more pride and value to their precious gardens than to babies inside of wombs.

If anyone needs prayer always feel free to email me at Flynight@gmail.com. I hope you have a beautiful day blessed by the light of the Son. 

The Right to Rid Life of a Heartbeat

I know the issue of abortion is such a sensitive, heated, and (in ways) complex topic. I, in no way, wish to hurt anyone that has gone through with an abortion. And I, in no way, want to pretend I know exactly what they have been through that has pushed them to the point of even considering abortion. I truly just want to show love as I wander through this heartbreaking topic, but I have my valuable questions to ask today. These questions aren't necessarily "new", by any means, but why should we ever stop asking questions that have good, valid, powerful points concerning the rights of those who can't yet speak for themselves?

So often it is said that life has not truly started until the baby is outside of the womb (and even that is now "up in the air"). That perplexes my mind more than those moments in my life where I have stood in the night and stared into the sky wondering how many stars were above me. I simply don't understand how the question of life could exist at any point during a pregnancy. Much less, when a baby has limbs that are able to move and kick, a head that is able to turn along with eyes, and a heartbeat that is rapidly beating can be mistaken for anything other than life. 

Yes, I understand that in some cases the doctors have been able to pinpoint "flaws" within the brain of the baby or even lack of a limb (whatever the case may be). My heart truly, truly goes out to situations like that. But, my question is this - do those "flaws" somehow have the power to undo what already exists and, ultimately, give us the right to make a baby void of existence by stopping his/her heartbeat? 

To me, it is so incredibly difficult to grasp how a woman has the liberty to have an abortion and the baby is conveniently labeled "it" by the doctors. Yet, if that same women got into a minor car accident on her way to have the abortion and the impact of the accident caused her to go into preterm labor, the ambulance would take her straight to the hospital. All the doctors, nurses, and staff would be prepared to try to save that baby's life. All of a sudden terms and titles change. All of a sudden the baby is actually a baby. Could the mom actually say, "Oh, no! Don't save it! I wanted to abort it!" The lines have become so blurred and we are left with a smeared gray line that has become spotted with blood.

How is it that in so many states someone can be charged with a "double-homicide" if they murder a woman who was pregnant? What if that very woman wanted to have an abortion and already had a date set? Just because she wants to have an abortion the baby is once again void of life, but if someone else on a different date takes the life of that baby it's murder. Why have humans given humans this right to decide whether or not a heartbeat is valuable and constitutes life?  

Excuse me, I have to end this blog earlier than expected because I need to tend to my three year old son-  yep, the same son the doctors encouraged me to abort. It's difficult for me to even fathom that I was given the opportunity and the right to allow someone to rid my son of his heartbeat. It sickens me - even if I'm the one being given the right. Even if I'm the one they're trying to save. Save my life at the expense of my baby's life? How is that even an option? If a mother and her baby were in a burning building, just hours after giving birth, and the fire fighter reached out his arms to pick up the baby first, would any mom say, "Oh, no... save ME!", as she sacrificed her baby's life to save her own? It doesn't sound the same in that context does it? Why not? 

To me, it was the same and I couldn't go through with any "procedure" simply to, possibly, save my own life. My son was ALIVE in my womb, possibly even hearing whispers, through the layers of skin and water, that separated him from the outside world--- whispers of medical professionals encouraging me to "terminate" my pregnancy. Oh, that skin and water that separates us from them... can't we just pretend it's not there? Can we not realize that they have their own body, heart beat, brain, purposes -  each separate from their mom who is simply carrying them.... and, hopefully, caring for them.

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If anyone wants prayer concerning this or any other issue, please feel free to email me (flynigh@gmail.com). Even if you have had an abortion - you are so loved and this blog isn't meant to make you feel any different.

On a Day Like This

I know that their words were well intentioned. But, I was offended. I understand that they wanted what they considered to be their truth to be applicable to me. But, it wasn't. You see, for the past 5+ years I have been pretty ill - really ill at times. And, I have heard some really thoughtful and encouraging things, but I have also heard (what I consider) to be ridiculous things about my health. 

Some people, over the years, have told me that I am still sick because of my lack of faith in the Lord. Apparently I need to ask, more sincerely, for the Lord to heal me. Whenever I am told something, whether I am offended or even angered for a moment, I seriously take time to analyze myself and I take what they say to the Lord. (I do that because I believe that it is doesn't matter if I'm offended, if something is Biblical, I need to address it) After doing that, I came to the conclusion that "lack of faith" is not the issue. You see, I may not beg God to heal me every hour of my life, but I trust completely with all that I am, that He can heal me at any moment. The thing is - I also trust in His sovereignty. His ability to do what He wants, when He wants, how He wants, with whom He wants. He could more than just heal me at any given moment - I truly believe that. If He doesn't today or ever while I am on this Earth - I am okay with that. I know He has a purpose. I KNOW HE DOES! 

On another hand, I have been told that it must be because I am involved in some sort of awful sin and my illnesses are a result of that. Um, no. Not so, my friends, not so. I believe that sin has consequences - absolutely. Of course, some illnesses are a direct result of not handling our bodies correctly and perhaps engaging in things we shouldn't. I do not believe that my two blood clotting disorders and progressive auto immune illnesses (among other things) are a result of the sin in my life (Yes, I do have sin in my life). I also don't believe that I am under the grip of satan and in bondage of sickness. 

On the contrary, I believe that me being sick is my ministry. I have been given so many opportunities to share the Lord's love, faithfulness, hope - Jesus' story with so many people at the hospital, clinics, cancer center etc. So many cancer patients sit alone with no family and no hope as they are waiting to get their third dose of chemo that week. I had the honor and privilege of sitting next to them and keeping them company, listening to them, and sharing with them the Hope that is so alive within me. Sure, the Lord could have just spoken to my heart to start a hospital ministry, but I may not have been welcome had I not been a patient. But they can't close the doors on me when I just happen to be having a "conversation" with a fellow patient. There is purpose for my illnesses - there is! Doctors often comment or even inquire about my disposition at various scary moments in my life (while in the hospital) and there is no other reason then the fact that I am able to rest in the Creator of all things.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a very high energy, do many things at once - fill my plate kind of person. And, in many ways those qualities have been positive things in my life. But I have come to realize that I was getting in the way of what was most important.  I can see how the Lord has also allowed me to be  ill so that He can begin to teach me what it really means to "be still and trust that He is God." I was blinded by "needs" and "ministry" and quite frankly I just needed to chill out. I mean, would I choose the route of experiencing so much pain everyday to teach me these things? Probably not. But He did and I am thankful. 

I have had moments, as I have expressed in previous blogs, where I truly was not sure if I would make it through the night. But, the Lord in His goodness, used those horrible moments to change me and break my heart for His people in ways I never even knew of before. He has used my pain to remind me to pray more for others in desperation and agony. My pain is a constant reminder of others out there that endure so much more than I do and have nothing - not even the hope of knowing their greatest Hope. How dare I try to label my pain as anything other than joy at moments like this where I finally remember those that I have so easily forgotten in days past. 

John 9:1-5

The Creator of all things - He loves me. My illnesses don't change that; nothing does. The Creator of all things - He love you. _________ doesn't change that; nothing does. If you need prayer feel free to email me (Flynigh@gmail.com).

Nebraska? Yes, Nebraska.

I honestly never even thought about the state called "Nebraska" until that year; 2001. I moved there in late summer 2002 after meeting one of the Miller boys. At the time, I didn't think New Mexico had much to offer me and I didn't have much to offer NM. I had just become a Christian and I so badly wanted my life to change. I knew that me trying my life on my own just wasn't working anymore. Not only was it not working - but I was failing at life. I turned to God as my Navigator, and He was leading me to Cornhusker Land. I had no qualms about following.


Almost as soon as I arrived in South Sioux City we were on our way to church (youth group "24/7".) Oh, boy was that conservative Assemblies of God church in for a shock when I walked through their door. Yep, I was the one who decided to cut her hair to her chin, chop bangs, and die it penny red (which quickly evolved into penny orange). I had hot pink fishnet stockings on with clunky red mary jane's, jeans folded really high at the ankle, an MXPX shirt with a hot pink striped button-up underneath, oh and a couple of ribbons tied snugly around my neck. Not to mention, I was hand in hand with one of the most conservatively dressed guys in the church! 


I could tell that no one knew what to think, much less, what to say to me. So, I just began introducing myself and one kid actually told me that he liked my stockings. For some reason, the awkwardness was short lived. I began to connect with the youth in ways I never expected. At first I was hesitant, because I didn't know what the church would think of me once they heard about my past. I feared what parents would think of someone like me trying to hang out with their kids. Man, I felt so insecure and felt like I didn't belong. And, yet that's exactly where I belonged - that's where my life would be changed forever and where I would gain a family. 


I decided to just be open about who I was as questions would come up. I had nothing to hide - the Lord already knew everything about me and loved me the same. I was forgiven for all the muck in my past and now it was time for me to just be okay with the Lord using it as He saw fit. 


Even at this very moment, eight years later, I am moved by all that the Lord did in the short two years I was in NE. I am amazed at the way He connected the most unlikely people to my heart forever. I am in awe that He used the most humiliating parts of my past to help the youth. And, through that, freed me in ways I never knew were possible. He taught me so very much while I was there and most of all He rooted me in Him. He used the people in that little ol' church to change me and to love me. I could literally go on and on about my two years that seemed like a lifetime while I was in Nebraska - it was a season of my life I wish truly cherish forever. A season that is so apart of who I am today. 






The Lord knows where He wants us and when He wants us there. Sometimes, it's the most unlikely place and the most inconvenient time. But, it's true - that He knows what is best for us. Learning to trust that can be so difficult. But, Who knew, that Nebraska was what was best for me? He did.
Anyone need prayer? Email me! :)

Sweet Things My Sweet Boy Says...

As I have mentioned before, I want to write Children's books. I have always had the desire. But, I never knew how much having children would just strengthen that desire! Man, the Lord uses my kids to inspire me with book ideas all the time. Below you'll see some of the silly, fun, loving, and smart things Evod has said. (Avnielle obviously inspires me too, but her talking is still limited---but she's getting there!)


"Mama, the garbage truck is too stinky for you - it's too stinky."

"Mama has a butt too!"

When Evod was just learning how to go to the restroom in the big boy toilet, one day he looked down and said, "Seahorse poopoo, Mama! Seahorse!" Then he passed gas and said, "Noisy seahorse." 
(When it came time to flush--- I noticed that it did, in fact, look like a seahorse. I know this one's kinda gross, but I'm a mama!)

"That Harley motorcycle is going East, Mama." (It really was)

"That's a compost, Mama" (compost?)

"That's a smart motorcycle man. He has his helmet on, yeah. He's a safe rider, Mama, yeah?"

"Can Jesus tickle my back, Mama?"

"That's a hexagon, Mama. A Hexagon, yeah." (He was right and I was amazed.)

We were going to cross the street when I noticed a vehicle so I asked Evod, "Do you see any cars coming?" 
He said, "no." I asked, "You don't? You sure?"  He said, "Yeah. I see a truck."  (He wasn't trying to be a smarty pants)

"Avnielle, you can't push the Spider Man table, nope. You can puuuush, the dump truck. You can puuuush the fire truck. You can puuuush the race car. Okay?"

"Avnielle is beautiful, yeah."

"Mama, did you hear the siren? We gotta pray, yeah?" (We have the habit of praying when we hear the siren of rescue vehicles)

"Avnielle, do you want to take a bath? And, I'll wash your hair, your ears, your shoulders, your cheeks, and your...." (the list was long)

I put Evod's hat on and he said, "Umm. I need to see, Mama" I looked and his winter hat was backwards and covering his eyes and nose. 

"Jesus, please help mama to feel better. Amen"

"Mama, are gonna read Psalm 16, yeah?" 

Weakened When We believe Lies About Our Weakness, Strengthened When We Believe He Is Strong

Conflicted - like a sunflower freckled by sand in the harsh New Mexico winds. From afar, the petals look radiant and flawless, but as you go in for a closer look you see they are peppered with blemishes from the sandstorm. The thought of being a mom would fill my heart with joyful anticipation. But, ever so swiftly fear would creep up and the scars from the sandstorm would try to whisper doubt. 

I was told I wasn't able to have children early on in my life. So, I thought that the true desires of my heart were swept aside and replaced with the logic of, "Well, I wouldn't be able to be the mom a child needs. This is what's best." I refused to be an instrument to inflict the things that I had endured, but at the same time believed the lies; those horrible things were a part of who I was and the cycle of "learned behaviors" is almost impossible to overcome. 

When I first married Eric, carrying on as normal newlyweds do was tough for me, but the Lord made a way. He taught us the sweetness and importance of being intimate spiritually and with our thoughts. He taught Eric and I the utter importance of being raw with one another. And, thankfully, I am able to tell Eric my darkest most humiliating thoughts. I think that transparency is a must in our marriage and I cherish it. The moments of awkwardness and vulnerability that are short lived is so worth knowing that the Lord has given Eric a love for me that is true and long suffering. Being honest gives Eric the opportunity, as my husband, to protect me from lies. Being raw protects our love. Being transparent strengthens our marriage. My, my, my how the enemy hates such things! he wants us to keep our lips closed while our thoughts and his lies are encaged in our minds - allowing confusion and division to take root in our marriage. 

It was tempting to not tell Eric the fears I had about being a mom (I was embarrassed), but the Lord kept urging me to. I'm so glad He did! I cried and cried that night because I felt so shameful, but Eric just affirmed his love for me and pointed me towards the Word. We were planning on someday adopting, it meant a lot to me that Eric was confident in Who the Lord was in me. I wasn't yet (in that area).

Five months later, we were standing in front of 3 pregnancy tests in a row that all were saying I was pregnant. Oh, I was filled with such excitement and joy! I knew the Lord could make this happen, I just never knew if He wanted to. But He did - He chose for me to be a mom! I was so quickly put in a position, where I had to (moment by moment) surrender the lies and fears I had associated with me being a mama. I had to allow the Lord to replace such ugly lies with His truth; I had to purpose to take my thoughts captive. 

I quickly turned to the Lord to be my Teacher. I was desperate for Him to teach me how to be a mom. I was able to find rest as I trusted the Lord to help me. My son is 3 now and my daughter will be 2 in January and I want more! Oh, how I love love love being a mama!! 

For so long it was too easy for me to focus on my fears and my weaknesses rather than the Lord's truth about me and His plans for me. My focus was so self-centered; who I am not instead Who He is. 

" ... the Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." 
- Psalm 145: 13-19

Jesus spoke these encouraging words in the following scriptures

. Matthew 11:29 . 

. 2 Corinthians 12:9

- If you need prayer always feel free to email me -

Beauty In the Fall

It was when my heart was wandering. My eyes were half closed, and yet I thought I was searching. Abruptly, I felt like a tree in early Winter that had just lost all of its vibrantly colored leaves, and now they were just broken pieces on the ground being walked on. I felt the bite of the cold air on my bare branches that were my arms trying to reach out. I was convinced I was utterly alone, not realizing I was in a forrest surrounded by trees with bare branches - forgetting that the sun still shines in the winter. "But, where does my help come from?" I wondered. 


I was taken out of my parents home at the age 17. Everything that I thought I knew and everything I thought I had was ripped from my grip. My foundation was cracking and crumbling like a category 5 earthquake. Looking back, that earthquake saved my life. 


Losing everything I thought was real; losing the unsteady ground I so confidently walked upon, is what the Savior allowed to get me to crumble. There I was surrounded by the debris and rubble from my broken life. I felt like I was naked before Him - unable to hide a speck. It felt so freeing to have everything I was out before Him; all the filth, the lies, the hurt, the shame, the confusion. Of all the moments to feel loved, I felt loved then. 


Slowly, but surely, He began to teach me what truth really is. He began to illuminate the areas in me that He loved. and purge all the areas that were darkened by the world. Oh, the pain that comes from such purging and oh, the beauty that comes from such pain. He began to bring the newness of green to those bare branches of mine. The warmth of the Son took that cold chill away and, in that Son, I found a Companion for the rest of my days. Alone I shall never be - because His grace saved this broken me.


.1Peter 6-7.


He has purpose in allowing the trees to be bare for a season - He has purpose in ridding us of who we think we are. 


-If you need prayer feel free to email me.-