"Merry ______mas" (What a pity)

Just a few years ago saying "Merry Christmas" was normal and an accepted thing. Those days are gone. As I go shopping all I hear is "Happy Holidays!" As I go driving, I mostly see signs for "Holiday Trees" or for "Winter Celebrations." Our world is changing - there is no doubt about it. 


I understand that "Christ" is in Christmas. As a Christian, I love it, embrace it, celebrate it. To non-believers it can be nothing short of offensive. I can understand that because if the title was something like "Buddha-mas" --- I would not want to say "Merry Buddha-mas" ever! I am not a buddhist why would I celebrate the birth of a "god" I don't believe in as my lord? But, then again, celebrating a holiday that is meaningless to me is pointless. But, apparently non believers don't view Christmas that way. People would rather try to strip Christmas down so that it can have a meaning that resonates with them. 


Personally, I wouldn't want to share in some random holiday just so that I could have an excuse to stuff stockings, have parties, and give & receive gifts. If people of a different religion wanted to celebrate such a holiday - fine by me. I just simply wouldn't partake in the festivities. There are holidays in America that I choose to not engage in and celebrate - I don't ask for their names to be changed just so that they can conform to the kind of holidays I want them to be. What's the point in attempting to rip the roots from something and be left with an empty ol' holiday? Has "meaning" lost its meaning to people? 


But, people (of all religions) love the holiday Christmas or rather "_______mas", and we are soon to reach a point where it is going to be the nameless holiday - all for political correctness sake. Are we just going to watch it dwindle down from its roots just so that we can make everyone, but Christ and Christians, happy? Songs, titles, and traditions are on their way out. I can hear it now, "Oh, Holiday tree. Oh, Holiday tree."  (Not that Jesus needs Christmas songs and trees, of course)


I know this is a free country - and I embrace that. I try to not impose my Christian beliefs on other people. But, as of late, the anti-Christian movement is imposing its beliefs on me. Christmas is a Christian holiday --- I hate to sound exclusive but there just isn't a way around the facts here. Tolerance is all the rage right now - our schools, our churches, our country are all supposed to be tolerant. Well, can you please tolerate the fact that I am going to continue to celebrate Christmas, have a Christmas tree,  and have a manger with Jesus Christ?


I have to point out though - that regardless of what kind of limitations this country tries to impose on me when it comes to how I wish to celebrate Christmas (even if they put tape over my mouth for the entire Christmas season), Christmas doesn't dwell in a title, a song, or traditions. The hope of the birth of Jesus dwells in my being. I can sing melodies to Him all year round - my celebration of Him never ends. 


(My kids will just be raised that "Happy Holidays" are 'code words' for "Merry CHRISTmas!!!" haha.)

...a storm in the desert

My pain, it flickers, like a candle deep inside of a luminara on the verge of being blown out by the Albuquerque winds

Tonight, though, it feels as though the flame is so close to engulfing its paper surroundings. 

He whispers ever so gently. 

But my guilt attempts to engulf my mind like the May rain flooding the arroyos on the west side. 

I feel so weak when I'm suddenly surrounded by rushing thoughts like the murky water raging through the canals. 

He opens His hands. 

But my heart drops as pieces of my painful past come flashing into my mind - reminiscent of lightening striking in the sky above the mesa. The thunder rolls - so deep and loud - I can feel it vibrate in my chest. 

The echo causes me to jolt and my eyelids lift...

All of a sudden like a rainbow embellishing a gray smeared stormy sky - I feel His love grip my heart and cause my eyes to shift from my wounds and onto His truths.

How did my wounds became my focus - Why did my throbbing brokenness move me more than knowing that He has moved mountains for me.

My King knows my pain and He catches my tears. He knows the thoughts that attempt to taunt me -and knows of the chill that comes when the sun sets in this desert of mine. I am not alone in this sandy land.

Tonight, I am not engulfed by lies racing through my mind. 

No, tonight, I am revived by the Son who has risen in the middle of my desert storm. 

New Mexican luminarias

Lightening striking on the west mesa

A flooded arroyo

This blog comes from a real place inside of me. I know I often share of the Lord's joy being full in my life, and I am so sincere when I speak of such things. Truly, His joy is somehow nestled beside such deep wounds that still reside in me. I wanted to share of how deep my hurt goes and how sometimes I allow that hurt to drown out His loving attempts to comfort me. I know that there are people who can relate to moments like these and I would love for my hurt to somehow make you feel less isolated in those seasons where your heart feels so heavy and your mind feels smoggy. I can't say that I struggle with depression right now, but I know what that struggle feels like. If anyone needs prayer for just having the blues or for full on depression please feel free to email me for prayer at flynigh@gmail.com. 

You are not alone in those moments where it might feel like your heart could cave in and your thoughts won't stop racing. Your Maker is extending His hope to you - He loves you and He has not abandoned you. His love is brighter than your darkest hour - His strength is stronger than any burden that is weighing you down. Lift up your eyes. Your wounds may be deep, but try to set your gaze on the wounds He endured simply because He loves you. 

note: I was inspired to use descriptions native to New Mexico - I posted the pictures (that I did not take) to help people envision what I wrote.

I Might Be Rejected By Some, but Still I Am Accepted by the One

It's been longer than I anticipated it would be since the last time I wrote in here. I suppose that it's a good thing - I don't just want to become a robotic writer too anxious to be heard. Rather, I want to write from the deepest parts of me - the parts that my Maker tugs on and sharpens as my fingers run across the keyboard. 


Since my last blog, it seems the Lord has clarified my perspective on some things. I was humbled and shocked at how skewed my perception was when He caused me to glance back to a broken season in my past. Unfortunately, I do not have the liberties to share with you what those matters are (*yet). But, I can at least share with you what I am learning so far.


We live in a world where human acceptance is rated so high in most people's minds and sometimes that frame of mind is what leads our lives. Rejection is one of the hardest things to deal with and it can cause us to lose ourselves in our attempts to please those around us. More importantly, those vein attempts can cause us to begin to lose sight of who we are in Him. 


The line must be drawn. The idea of  simply "going with the flow" because one might lack the boldness/ the confidence/ the will to speak what's truly on their heart is so sad. I will not willingly go mute simply because I know that I will have to stare opposition right in the face. The longing to be accepted, wanted, and approved of cannot be given the freedom to distort who my Creator created me to be or what He wants me to do with this life.


So, that's where I am at. I have a task before me that I know people, close people, in my life will not agree with. Hurt will be stirred and anger will likely be pointed in my direction. The ties of a friendship that I hold dear might be torn. I have to confront a part of my past that I'd rather just let sit and continue to collect dust. But, I cannot allow myself to focus on who might not approve when the only approval I need is from the One who is leading me. As much as my heart is already anticipating the possibility losing the acceptance of someone I love - I have to stay committed to the One who accepted me first. His love for me is unwavering. 


There will be - WILL BE - moments in our lives where we are called to do things beyond the limits of the approval of some of the humans among us. That's okay. Its okay if not everyone around us understands what it is the Lord has called us to do. We have to be willing to know what it feels like to be rejected  by man; to have our ideas and pursuits scorned. 


I am here to please Him even if that means that I am misunderstood or even rejected by some. Standing confident in the middle of a scary and uncertain season is possible when we are able to rest and trust in Him as our Navigator. I won't allow what the Lord has made black and white to me turn to gray. It is clear to me what He wants me to do and it would be a shame for me to reject that simply to gain anything that this world offers me. 


If anyone needs prayer feel free to email me : flynigh@gmail.com

If Given a Chance Petals Will Come

We went to the local nursery to buy the seeds this year. Once we got home, the thought of seeing those bright vibrant sunflowers made it impossible to wait another second to open the organic soil and start planting! We chose one of our favorite pots to plant the seeds in. After pouring the soil we dug a nice deep hole - making sure to give the seeds plenty of room to take root.

We opened the package carrying the seeds, gently placed them in the hole, and covered them with the dark soil. Now, we just had to wait and water. Water and wait. Even though we didn't see any sign of life, we knew deep within that rich soil the seeds were cracking and roots were growing, stretching, reaching into the soil for nourishment.

It wasn't too long, though,  before we saw tiny green specks against the nearly black soil. Oh, the excitement of seeing those almost microscopic green sprouts! I got my watering tin, with even more spunk in my step that morning, looking forward to showering the cluster of tiny greenness. Even though they were so itty-bitty, I could see them perk up when the water and sun reached them. 

Soon, the specks of green grew into tall sturdy stems. By now, though I still couldn't see them, the roots must be woven within the soil almost becoming one inside the deepness of the pot. The little buds finally arrived. Now when I look closely, I could see the petals all curled up and nestled snugly inside the buds - waiting to stretch out their petals. I could hardly wait,  but I had to be patient. So, once again I almost danced to my watering tin and showered my precious little sunflower garden growing in my favorite pot. 

It was about two days later when I caught a glimpse of them - the petals that pushed their way out of the buds and stretched out towards the warm sunlight. Some of the petals where simply perfect and they practically shimmered in the sunlight while some lacked in "perfection" and their petals were nearly brown and broken. But though they lacked in radiance they enjoyed the sunlight and the cool water no less. 

Every morning those rusty orange, vibrant yellow, and even the brown broken petals attached to what used to be a bud, that was attached to strong thick stem, that used to be a tiny green speck would turn to face the direction of the sun rays each morning and perk up when showered by the water from my little watering tin. 

I was inspired to take these pictures of the same sunflower through out different stages of its growth. I found that there was so much beauty and life in each picture. The whole process made me think about abortion and I called the project "If Given a Chance". What if I decided to not see value or life when all I saw was just the stem with a tiny- tightly- closed bud, and just chopped it down allowing the bud fall to the ground? But, that seems a bit unlikely. Sometimes I think humans give more pride and value to their precious gardens than to babies inside of wombs.

If anyone needs prayer always feel free to email me at Flynight@gmail.com. I hope you have a beautiful day blessed by the light of the Son. 

The Right to Rid Life of a Heartbeat

I know the issue of abortion is such a sensitive, heated, and (in ways) complex topic. I, in no way, wish to hurt anyone that has gone through with an abortion. And I, in no way, want to pretend I know exactly what they have been through that has pushed them to the point of even considering abortion. I truly just want to show love as I wander through this heartbreaking topic, but I have my valuable questions to ask today. These questions aren't necessarily "new", by any means, but why should we ever stop asking questions that have good, valid, powerful points concerning the rights of those who can't yet speak for themselves?

So often it is said that life has not truly started until the baby is outside of the womb (and even that is now "up in the air"). That perplexes my mind more than those moments in my life where I have stood in the night and stared into the sky wondering how many stars were above me. I simply don't understand how the question of life could exist at any point during a pregnancy. Much less, when a baby has limbs that are able to move and kick, a head that is able to turn along with eyes, and a heartbeat that is rapidly beating can be mistaken for anything other than life. 

Yes, I understand that in some cases the doctors have been able to pinpoint "flaws" within the brain of the baby or even lack of a limb (whatever the case may be). My heart truly, truly goes out to situations like that. But, my question is this - do those "flaws" somehow have the power to undo what already exists and, ultimately, give us the right to make a baby void of existence by stopping his/her heartbeat? 

To me, it is so incredibly difficult to grasp how a woman has the liberty to have an abortion and the baby is conveniently labeled "it" by the doctors. Yet, if that same women got into a minor car accident on her way to have the abortion and the impact of the accident caused her to go into preterm labor, the ambulance would take her straight to the hospital. All the doctors, nurses, and staff would be prepared to try to save that baby's life. All of a sudden terms and titles change. All of a sudden the baby is actually a baby. Could the mom actually say, "Oh, no! Don't save it! I wanted to abort it!" The lines have become so blurred and we are left with a smeared gray line that has become spotted with blood.

How is it that in so many states someone can be charged with a "double-homicide" if they murder a woman who was pregnant? What if that very woman wanted to have an abortion and already had a date set? Just because she wants to have an abortion the baby is once again void of life, but if someone else on a different date takes the life of that baby it's murder. Why have humans given humans this right to decide whether or not a heartbeat is valuable and constitutes life?  

Excuse me, I have to end this blog earlier than expected because I need to tend to my three year old son-  yep, the same son the doctors encouraged me to abort. It's difficult for me to even fathom that I was given the opportunity and the right to allow someone to rid my son of his heartbeat. It sickens me - even if I'm the one being given the right. Even if I'm the one they're trying to save. Save my life at the expense of my baby's life? How is that even an option? If a mother and her baby were in a burning building, just hours after giving birth, and the fire fighter reached out his arms to pick up the baby first, would any mom say, "Oh, no... save ME!", as she sacrificed her baby's life to save her own? It doesn't sound the same in that context does it? Why not? 

To me, it was the same and I couldn't go through with any "procedure" simply to, possibly, save my own life. My son was ALIVE in my womb, possibly even hearing whispers, through the layers of skin and water, that separated him from the outside world--- whispers of medical professionals encouraging me to "terminate" my pregnancy. Oh, that skin and water that separates us from them... can't we just pretend it's not there? Can we not realize that they have their own body, heart beat, brain, purposes -  each separate from their mom who is simply carrying them.... and, hopefully, caring for them.

-------

If anyone wants prayer concerning this or any other issue, please feel free to email me (flynigh@gmail.com). Even if you have had an abortion - you are so loved and this blog isn't meant to make you feel any different.

On a Day Like This

I know that their words were well intentioned. But, I was offended. I understand that they wanted what they considered to be their truth to be applicable to me. But, it wasn't. You see, for the past 5+ years I have been pretty ill - really ill at times. And, I have heard some really thoughtful and encouraging things, but I have also heard (what I consider) to be ridiculous things about my health. 

Some people, over the years, have told me that I am still sick because of my lack of faith in the Lord. Apparently I need to ask, more sincerely, for the Lord to heal me. Whenever I am told something, whether I am offended or even angered for a moment, I seriously take time to analyze myself and I take what they say to the Lord. (I do that because I believe that it is doesn't matter if I'm offended, if something is Biblical, I need to address it) After doing that, I came to the conclusion that "lack of faith" is not the issue. You see, I may not beg God to heal me every hour of my life, but I trust completely with all that I am, that He can heal me at any moment. The thing is - I also trust in His sovereignty. His ability to do what He wants, when He wants, how He wants, with whom He wants. He could more than just heal me at any given moment - I truly believe that. If He doesn't today or ever while I am on this Earth - I am okay with that. I know He has a purpose. I KNOW HE DOES! 

On another hand, I have been told that it must be because I am involved in some sort of awful sin and my illnesses are a result of that. Um, no. Not so, my friends, not so. I believe that sin has consequences - absolutely. Of course, some illnesses are a direct result of not handling our bodies correctly and perhaps engaging in things we shouldn't. I do not believe that my two blood clotting disorders and progressive auto immune illnesses (among other things) are a result of the sin in my life (Yes, I do have sin in my life). I also don't believe that I am under the grip of satan and in bondage of sickness. 

On the contrary, I believe that me being sick is my ministry. I have been given so many opportunities to share the Lord's love, faithfulness, hope - Jesus' story with so many people at the hospital, clinics, cancer center etc. So many cancer patients sit alone with no family and no hope as they are waiting to get their third dose of chemo that week. I had the honor and privilege of sitting next to them and keeping them company, listening to them, and sharing with them the Hope that is so alive within me. Sure, the Lord could have just spoken to my heart to start a hospital ministry, but I may not have been welcome had I not been a patient. But they can't close the doors on me when I just happen to be having a "conversation" with a fellow patient. There is purpose for my illnesses - there is! Doctors often comment or even inquire about my disposition at various scary moments in my life (while in the hospital) and there is no other reason then the fact that I am able to rest in the Creator of all things.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am a very high energy, do many things at once - fill my plate kind of person. And, in many ways those qualities have been positive things in my life. But I have come to realize that I was getting in the way of what was most important.  I can see how the Lord has also allowed me to be  ill so that He can begin to teach me what it really means to "be still and trust that He is God." I was blinded by "needs" and "ministry" and quite frankly I just needed to chill out. I mean, would I choose the route of experiencing so much pain everyday to teach me these things? Probably not. But He did and I am thankful. 

I have had moments, as I have expressed in previous blogs, where I truly was not sure if I would make it through the night. But, the Lord in His goodness, used those horrible moments to change me and break my heart for His people in ways I never even knew of before. He has used my pain to remind me to pray more for others in desperation and agony. My pain is a constant reminder of others out there that endure so much more than I do and have nothing - not even the hope of knowing their greatest Hope. How dare I try to label my pain as anything other than joy at moments like this where I finally remember those that I have so easily forgotten in days past. 

John 9:1-5

The Creator of all things - He loves me. My illnesses don't change that; nothing does. The Creator of all things - He love you. _________ doesn't change that; nothing does. If you need prayer feel free to email me (Flynigh@gmail.com).

Nebraska? Yes, Nebraska.

I honestly never even thought about the state called "Nebraska" until that year; 2001. I moved there in late summer 2002 after meeting one of the Miller boys. At the time, I didn't think New Mexico had much to offer me and I didn't have much to offer NM. I had just become a Christian and I so badly wanted my life to change. I knew that me trying my life on my own just wasn't working anymore. Not only was it not working - but I was failing at life. I turned to God as my Navigator, and He was leading me to Cornhusker Land. I had no qualms about following.


Almost as soon as I arrived in South Sioux City we were on our way to church (youth group "24/7".) Oh, boy was that conservative Assemblies of God church in for a shock when I walked through their door. Yep, I was the one who decided to cut her hair to her chin, chop bangs, and die it penny red (which quickly evolved into penny orange). I had hot pink fishnet stockings on with clunky red mary jane's, jeans folded really high at the ankle, an MXPX shirt with a hot pink striped button-up underneath, oh and a couple of ribbons tied snugly around my neck. Not to mention, I was hand in hand with one of the most conservatively dressed guys in the church! 


I could tell that no one knew what to think, much less, what to say to me. So, I just began introducing myself and one kid actually told me that he liked my stockings. For some reason, the awkwardness was short lived. I began to connect with the youth in ways I never expected. At first I was hesitant, because I didn't know what the church would think of me once they heard about my past. I feared what parents would think of someone like me trying to hang out with their kids. Man, I felt so insecure and felt like I didn't belong. And, yet that's exactly where I belonged - that's where my life would be changed forever and where I would gain a family. 


I decided to just be open about who I was as questions would come up. I had nothing to hide - the Lord already knew everything about me and loved me the same. I was forgiven for all the muck in my past and now it was time for me to just be okay with the Lord using it as He saw fit. 


Even at this very moment, eight years later, I am moved by all that the Lord did in the short two years I was in NE. I am amazed at the way He connected the most unlikely people to my heart forever. I am in awe that He used the most humiliating parts of my past to help the youth. And, through that, freed me in ways I never knew were possible. He taught me so very much while I was there and most of all He rooted me in Him. He used the people in that little ol' church to change me and to love me. I could literally go on and on about my two years that seemed like a lifetime while I was in Nebraska - it was a season of my life I wish truly cherish forever. A season that is so apart of who I am today. 






The Lord knows where He wants us and when He wants us there. Sometimes, it's the most unlikely place and the most inconvenient time. But, it's true - that He knows what is best for us. Learning to trust that can be so difficult. But, Who knew, that Nebraska was what was best for me? He did.
Anyone need prayer? Email me! :)

Sweet Things My Sweet Boy Says...

As I have mentioned before, I want to write Children's books. I have always had the desire. But, I never knew how much having children would just strengthen that desire! Man, the Lord uses my kids to inspire me with book ideas all the time. Below you'll see some of the silly, fun, loving, and smart things Evod has said. (Avnielle obviously inspires me too, but her talking is still limited---but she's getting there!)


"Mama, the garbage truck is too stinky for you - it's too stinky."

"Mama has a butt too!"

When Evod was just learning how to go to the restroom in the big boy toilet, one day he looked down and said, "Seahorse poopoo, Mama! Seahorse!" Then he passed gas and said, "Noisy seahorse." 
(When it came time to flush--- I noticed that it did, in fact, look like a seahorse. I know this one's kinda gross, but I'm a mama!)

"That Harley motorcycle is going East, Mama." (It really was)

"That's a compost, Mama" (compost?)

"That's a smart motorcycle man. He has his helmet on, yeah. He's a safe rider, Mama, yeah?"

"Can Jesus tickle my back, Mama?"

"That's a hexagon, Mama. A Hexagon, yeah." (He was right and I was amazed.)

We were going to cross the street when I noticed a vehicle so I asked Evod, "Do you see any cars coming?" 
He said, "no." I asked, "You don't? You sure?"  He said, "Yeah. I see a truck."  (He wasn't trying to be a smarty pants)

"Avnielle, you can't push the Spider Man table, nope. You can puuuush, the dump truck. You can puuuush the fire truck. You can puuuush the race car. Okay?"

"Avnielle is beautiful, yeah."

"Mama, did you hear the siren? We gotta pray, yeah?" (We have the habit of praying when we hear the siren of rescue vehicles)

"Avnielle, do you want to take a bath? And, I'll wash your hair, your ears, your shoulders, your cheeks, and your...." (the list was long)

I put Evod's hat on and he said, "Umm. I need to see, Mama" I looked and his winter hat was backwards and covering his eyes and nose. 

"Jesus, please help mama to feel better. Amen"

"Mama, are gonna read Psalm 16, yeah?" 

Weakened When We believe Lies About Our Weakness, Strengthened When We Believe He Is Strong

Conflicted - like a sunflower freckled by sand in the harsh New Mexico winds. From afar, the petals look radiant and flawless, but as you go in for a closer look you see they are peppered with blemishes from the sandstorm. The thought of being a mom would fill my heart with joyful anticipation. But, ever so swiftly fear would creep up and the scars from the sandstorm would try to whisper doubt. 

I was told I wasn't able to have children early on in my life. So, I thought that the true desires of my heart were swept aside and replaced with the logic of, "Well, I wouldn't be able to be the mom a child needs. This is what's best." I refused to be an instrument to inflict the things that I had endured, but at the same time believed the lies; those horrible things were a part of who I was and the cycle of "learned behaviors" is almost impossible to overcome. 

When I first married Eric, carrying on as normal newlyweds do was tough for me, but the Lord made a way. He taught us the sweetness and importance of being intimate spiritually and with our thoughts. He taught Eric and I the utter importance of being raw with one another. And, thankfully, I am able to tell Eric my darkest most humiliating thoughts. I think that transparency is a must in our marriage and I cherish it. The moments of awkwardness and vulnerability that are short lived is so worth knowing that the Lord has given Eric a love for me that is true and long suffering. Being honest gives Eric the opportunity, as my husband, to protect me from lies. Being raw protects our love. Being transparent strengthens our marriage. My, my, my how the enemy hates such things! he wants us to keep our lips closed while our thoughts and his lies are encaged in our minds - allowing confusion and division to take root in our marriage. 

It was tempting to not tell Eric the fears I had about being a mom (I was embarrassed), but the Lord kept urging me to. I'm so glad He did! I cried and cried that night because I felt so shameful, but Eric just affirmed his love for me and pointed me towards the Word. We were planning on someday adopting, it meant a lot to me that Eric was confident in Who the Lord was in me. I wasn't yet (in that area).

Five months later, we were standing in front of 3 pregnancy tests in a row that all were saying I was pregnant. Oh, I was filled with such excitement and joy! I knew the Lord could make this happen, I just never knew if He wanted to. But He did - He chose for me to be a mom! I was so quickly put in a position, where I had to (moment by moment) surrender the lies and fears I had associated with me being a mama. I had to allow the Lord to replace such ugly lies with His truth; I had to purpose to take my thoughts captive. 

I quickly turned to the Lord to be my Teacher. I was desperate for Him to teach me how to be a mom. I was able to find rest as I trusted the Lord to help me. My son is 3 now and my daughter will be 2 in January and I want more! Oh, how I love love love being a mama!! 

For so long it was too easy for me to focus on my fears and my weaknesses rather than the Lord's truth about me and His plans for me. My focus was so self-centered; who I am not instead Who He is. 

" ... the Lord is loving towards all He has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, and You give them their food at the proper time. You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." 
- Psalm 145: 13-19

Jesus spoke these encouraging words in the following scriptures

. Matthew 11:29 . 

. 2 Corinthians 12:9

- If you need prayer always feel free to email me -

Beauty In the Fall

It was when my heart was wandering. My eyes were half closed, and yet I thought I was searching. Abruptly, I felt like a tree in early Winter that had just lost all of its vibrantly colored leaves, and now they were just broken pieces on the ground being walked on. I felt the bite of the cold air on my bare branches that were my arms trying to reach out. I was convinced I was utterly alone, not realizing I was in a forrest surrounded by trees with bare branches - forgetting that the sun still shines in the winter. "But, where does my help come from?" I wondered. 


I was taken out of my parents home at the age 17. Everything that I thought I knew and everything I thought I had was ripped from my grip. My foundation was cracking and crumbling like a category 5 earthquake. Looking back, that earthquake saved my life. 


Losing everything I thought was real; losing the unsteady ground I so confidently walked upon, is what the Savior allowed to get me to crumble. There I was surrounded by the debris and rubble from my broken life. I felt like I was naked before Him - unable to hide a speck. It felt so freeing to have everything I was out before Him; all the filth, the lies, the hurt, the shame, the confusion. Of all the moments to feel loved, I felt loved then. 


Slowly, but surely, He began to teach me what truth really is. He began to illuminate the areas in me that He loved. and purge all the areas that were darkened by the world. Oh, the pain that comes from such purging and oh, the beauty that comes from such pain. He began to bring the newness of green to those bare branches of mine. The warmth of the Son took that cold chill away and, in that Son, I found a Companion for the rest of my days. Alone I shall never be - because His grace saved this broken me.


.1Peter 6-7.


He has purpose in allowing the trees to be bare for a season - He has purpose in ridding us of who we think we are. 


-If you need prayer feel free to email me.-

Oh, the Lies Emotions Can Tell

“A Wooing King”
These jazz rhythms are tenderly causing me to sway; as if I were in an elegant gown in a dim lighted club being pursued by my love. The snare drum oh-so-subtle in the background; causing those elusive parts of my mind to be gathered in the center of the dance floor for a sweet reunion. A date long past due, as I have allowed the fleeting rushes of today suppress the very memory of when I finally noticed my King wooing me. The steady tempo of the piano; luring memories of joyful days past, reminding me of the King’s relentless, unceasing pursuit of me.


I wrote that poem a little earlier in the year. I was reminded of it today when my thoughts wandered at a moment when I felt stagnant - gray - indifferent. I started to feel a lack of pizzazz and actually started to get down about it. But, then I was reminded that regardless of what I am feeling my two loves are pursuing me; my Lord and my husband. 


I think, as a stay at home mom, it is so easy for me to fall in to the trap of getting discouraged or discontented. Oh, my flesh hungers for "more" and tries to convince me that my life is lacking. Oh, what a lie! I can almost laugh out loud in mockery of such nonsense. And, yet, if even for a brief moment I fall into a place of question. 


Isn't it too easy sometimes? To be too moved by what we are feeling or even what we are not. At the end of the day, the love that the Lord offers me goes so much deeper than any emotion this human body of mine can feel. His love is the one and only constant thing in my life and what I feel or don't feel doesn't change that. And with Eric, I have to remember that the enemy is not a fan of love. he is not a fan of what the Lord has created between Eric and I. So, tomorrow, we are going on a date. And, I am going to be wooed by Eric. 


My prayer for us tonight (whoever is reading this), is that we wouldn't dismiss being pursued by our King simply because we convince ourselves that we should be "feeling more." 
Always feel free to email me if you need prayer for anything expressed in my blog or even something else.

Their Sin Is Worse

I felt bad that day. I hesitated, so the light turned green before I could hand him a few quarters. I don't know his name, but he has one. I don't know his story, but someone does. He was alone on that corner, but some where there's someone who misses him - I hope. Actually, I know that there is at least One that misses him. There's a King that misses this homeless man who is nameless to me. I once was a wanderer, and that same King missed me. I dare not forget that.


It's too easy to pass people on the streets and think we have the power or the right to categorize sin; our sin versus their sin. It almost seems natural to think that another's sin is somehow more repulsive than our own. Oh, the lies they tell. The sex they have. The stuff they drink. Oh, the things they've done. How dare I ever allow someone else's sin make me feel better about my own filth. Yes, MY filth. 


When it comes to how repulsive sin is to the Father - I am no different than the adulterer or the thief. When it comes to the Father's love - the man on the corner and the woman in the strip club are no different than I. The same hands that knit me together in my mom's womb are the same hands that made those "other sinners." It's a shame to think that my skin or my spirit is better than anyone else's. 


The phrase, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" is so often used and yet so often dismissed. We act as if those words lose their meaning or their truth at those moments we allow our pride to blind us. It's easy to forget that our pride can be just as destructive and is just as repulsive as those other unspeakable sins. 


What is it that makes us create our own system of superiority? Can we actually forget that Jesus died on the cross for sinners like us? Do we think that their is no hope left for those people we pass by - that they are too far gone? Today, I want to remember not only Jesus on the cross but the man hanging next to him on his own cross. A sinner made right with Jesus right before his death. 


.Psalm 145:13-19


We may not be able to always have one on one time with these people, but we can purpose to replace our prideful thoughts towards them with prayers for them to find their way home - in Him.

Why Turn Away?

The sun is shining in this window of mine. The kids are singing while playing in circles around each other - I hear a random screech of annoyance, but other than that it's a peaceful morning. I've come to discover that most of my mornings are that way - peaceful. Even on those days where I might think I have it tough - I don't. I'm amazed at my spoiled American perspective sometimes. It's amazing that I can somehow convince myself that my life is lacking in any way at the end of any day. The only thing that could possibly be lacking is who I am in Christ and the person He wants me to be. The only thing that can be lacking in this life of mine - is me. Now, I don't mean that in a faux- humility kind of way. 


What I don't have doesn't dictate the amount of joy that lives in my hours and because of that my life is full of riches! At the end of the day the smiles and the laughter that come from a deep place of joy out weigh anything this world tries to offer me. He offers joy in those moments where happiness has lost its home in me. Joy has found a home in me; right beside the physical pain that I endure. His joy is nestled right beside the wounds of PTSD. The joy that comes in the morning is woven through my nights. Because of that there are moments I can hardly hold my head up - not because of shame or pain, but because of gratitude to the Maker and Giver of such joy. 


There have been moments in this life of mine, where that joy was almost overshadowed with fear. Moments where I thought my life was soon to meet its end on this earth. There have been seasons where I have had to write letters to my children and instructions to family just in case I didn't make it through that week. It's those moments that I have experienced that have shown me how brief our stay is here - how so incredibly precious time really can be. How precious the most subtle smile can be. Moments of great trials can often remind us of the sweet things or they can cause us to look inward at our selves and look away from the One who knows how to hold us best.


From the beginning of time, humans have tried to hide from the Lord in those moments right after pain, sin or uncertainty. We are often frightened by the woes around us and are convinced to hide from our Creator. Sometimes we allow anger to creep up and cause a river to grow between  us. The scenarios that often cause us to hide are endless. What's ironic is that the Lord loves us in those moments that we deny His love and He wants to use the very things that cause us to hide from Him. It's a sick to trick of this world to get us to turn from our Creator. He is our Hiding Place - He doesn't want us to hide from Him. He doesn't want any one of us to be distracted by the pleasures or the nightmares of this world when our joy can be made full in Him.


How many of us remain in hiding? Some of us hide behind insecurities. fears. flaws. sin. Some of us hide behind smiles. ministry. happiness. the hustle bustle of the day. I just want you to know that on this day I'm throwing down my mask and I am not going to hide the very thing the Lord wants to see in me. The very things He wants me to share with you. 


.Psalm 32